The difference of one

"I experience with incredible gratitude, the kindness of one who understands.  The words they speak that put my world into a reality that feels like I can survive.   The way they listen, the time they take and the love they show.   I appreciate that they can see where I am. They can understand why I am and who my child is, even though they are not in my tunnel.   How grateful I am to them.  They change my world.  They change my child’s world.  To me they are superstars."

And there it is, one of those special people walks into my life.  A life saver.  

What makes them so different?

Session one, they listen.  They don't judge.  They don't comment.  They don't label.  They don't blame. 
Their body language is open.  
They reframe.  Session two, they start to add in context.  
They make links to my mess, they join the dots.

From my point of view I can sense the difference.  It is tangible.  Even without words it was tangible.  Even the first meeting.  Prior beliefs are seen in body language before words are even spoken.  

Then the linking of ideas.

For example - It is not the  behavioural approach  or..................    it is behavioural approach and..........  
Medication works in context.  It requires the environment to be working as well.  (Ecological theory).  You can't just rely on the medication to be enough.  If the environment is working then the Medication can do it's job.
Teachers need to spend time with Miss A, just being and building relationship.  Not doing any new learning.  Spend time in play with her and others.  
We will reframe the behaviour so others can understand it is not being naughty.  A strategy to help a team to understand.

Here are two really important keys here for us as practitioners.  

1.  Our delivery of knowledge is just if not more important than the knowledge itself.  You can't have one without the other.

2.  The ability to listen to people, and then bring them new information from where they stand takes real skill but is very powerful. It is affirming.  Start from the person's belief and then put that belief, those ideas, in context, move on to the next new learning creating a link.  

I begin to understand that it is not knowledge alone or practice alone, but the ability to link the two in context of the team supporting the individual.

Help I'm drowning

Help I feel like I’m drowning.

I went to get help, but I forgot that getting help requires energy.  Everyone wants to hear the story.  And then the questions start in your head “Is it my fault, is she like this because of my bad parenting”.  

Miss 7 years old and her meltdowns have increased in frequency and in intensity.  I don’t know what to do now.  The recommended way of dealing with anger and hitting by a child “time out” isn’t working, she is going from 0 to 10 in an instant.  She is throwing things, rampaging, she is very angry.

I went away for the weekend for work and I walk into her having a session.  She has been at Gran’s for the weekend.  Everyone is trying to sit around the dinner table to celebrate Gran’s 75 birthday.  Apparently nothing happened, she just snapped.  She is out side, pulling plants from the garden.  I sit down for my lunch.  Miss 7 comes in, continuing her rampage, knocking over a pot plant she runs down to the bedrooms and starts to throw things around.  No one can stop her because no one can hold her.   Unbelievable you think?  It is true, we have tried.

At CAMH’s (Child, Adolescent, Mental Health Service) the next week, my husband and I sit with the person we have seen for over a year on and off.  He has a thick file in front of him.  We share what is happening.  During our conversation we have to remind him of details we have told him many times.  We ask… “Could it be triggered by the medication? Could we see a Psychiatrist?”  The answer returns, “no because we don’t have one at the moment”.  Where we live no one wants to come and live, so Doctors fly in from Auckland, but the one at the moment we normally see is on long term leave and the other, ‘well, they are only giving her ‘easy cases’ so she doesn’t leave and our case is not easy.

“So there is no one to ask if this is made worse by medication?”    “NO”.

We agree to drop the dose anyway.   

So I ask, “you still haven’t answered my question, what would you do if your child was rampaging at 7 years old?”   The answer is cagy.  He suggests we work on the positive side since the consequences are not working.  So we discuss ways of ‘noticing her’.  Basically, he can’t help either.  And he informs us that the service is down 5 or 6 Psychologists.  They just can’t keep them, they leave with stress.  The ones they have are dealing with ‘worse cases of suicides’.  I laugh out of shock, “well our 7 year old given another couple of years will be there, so I guess we will be seen eventually!”

Later we hear that we can go and see a clinical Psychologist in a fortnight who will mark the latest behaviour assessment filled in by teachers and met the 7 year old.

Meanwhile, we were accepted by RTLB in partnership with Special Education.  The RTLB has been in and observed.  The Special Education person comes next week.  She has just moved from CAMHs to Special Education.  She comes highly recommended, not that we have any choice.  We are told that we are ‘lucky’ to be accepted by the service and it is unusual to be accepted so quickly.  

Here’s the thing I forgot from the last time I travelled this crazy roller coster… each service has forms to sign and new people to meet.  And each one wants to here the story and wants to know what you want them to help you with.  How do you tell 7 years worth of mothers intuition.  Where do you start?  What parts do you tell first?   And then you feel like you are so ‘lucky’ to get help that you don’t want to offend them and scare them away.

And all of this comes on top of continuing to deal with stressful behaviour.  It is tearing at the family.  It wears down your ability to respond to your partner of 26 years decently.  You go into survival mode, you look for things that you can find respite in and often this is work for me, seeking knowledge.  But it could so easily be drink and sometimes during the worse sessions it becomes food.

It takes resolve to keep perspective.  Even remembering how we made it through for daughter number one and how wonderful she turned out becomes hard to believe.  I do remember the effort required to find the services and help to achieve that.  

Each day becomes a walk of faith.  Moments upon moments, I keep positive, I remember to praise Miss 7 because in the end, that is all I can actually do at the moment.  I remember to hug her and tell her I love her even though every thread of me is tired and love is such a momentary word.   And I remember to breath because I am holding my breath, no major meltdowns for 4 days.  And I hope there will be no more, even while preparing for the next.

And the feeling of drowning occurs in the times that I stop and reflect.  I am grateful for my faith and my strong family.   I am grateful for help that we do have and for study and knowledge.  And for the experience which can only make us all stronger, more understanding and filled with a life with things that count.